


Ultraviolence

by rosegoldwritings



Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: AU, Fluff, im idk what this is actually, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 18:09:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7855729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosegoldwritings/pseuds/rosegoldwritings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>even as kids, jinhwan liked to take care of junhoe. he expected that to continue as they grew older. what he didn't expect was to fall in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ultraviolence

**Author's Note:**

> so i'm back with junhwan fluff wow who am i??? i was working on some double b stuff but...here we are i guess. i've been having a really hard time writing lately and i've been losing a lot of confidence in my writing too so this was more of an exercise to get me to just do something. :/ idk how i feel about this but its 4am and i dont feel like editing anymore im sick of this fic !!!! but thank you everyone for reading anyways <3

Even as little kids, Jinhwan liked to take care of Junhoe. When he was eight and Junhoe only five, he always grabbed his hand to help him cross the road, teaching him to make sure the light was red and look both ways. Jinhwan would read him short story books at night to help him fall asleep, the younger amazed at how his friend could possibly read a _whole book_ , his own abilities only going as far as recognizing his name. He’d curl up in Junhoe’s bed and keep reading until his voice lulled his friend to sleep, then shut his own eyes.

When Junhoe turned six, he insisted he knew how to cross the street himself and didn’t need to hold anyone’s hand. Their mothers might not have let them sleep in the same bed anymore for some reason, but no amount of protesting was going to change Jinhwan’s protective nature.

The next year, at Jinhwan’s tenth birthday party, he had some friends over to celebrate. The air outside was bitter cold but they huffed out their warm breath into their gloved hands, waddling through the snow in their puffy jackets. Jinhwan began a snowball fight, a smile plastered on his face until he looked over and saw Junhoe standing alone.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I’m cold,” the other replied stiffly.

Jinhwan unwrapped his scarf from his neck without another word and tied it around Junhoe’s. “Better?”

“Yeah,” Junhoe said, but his teeth still chattered.

Jinhwan wrapped his arms around him tightly and stood like that until the chill disappeared from Junhoe’s body.

When Junhoe was eleven and Jinhwan was fourteen, he started high school. Junhoe didn’t know what to do without his best friend with him all the time. He wasn’t very outgoing, wasn’t good at making new friends. Jinhwan, on the other hand, was naturally charming. Junhoe always relied on him to meet people and handle the talking. Needless to say, he spent most of that year alone.

It was also the year he felt a slight change in their relationship. Jinhwan’s caring nature felt less like one friend being concerned for another, and more like a little brother he was required to watch over. Junhoe didn’t like it. He noticed every time Jinhwan’s high school friends came over, he’d be brushed aside and only summoned every once in a while to make sure he wasn’t hungry or thirsty or needed anything else. Junhoe always walked home with tears pricking his eyes.

Two years later, he started high school too. It was bittersweet. He could be near Jinhwan again, and every nerve in his body screamed that that was all he wanted. Then what if Jinhwan didn’t want to be around him? Every day for the past two years he had felt like nothing but a nuisance. His heart almost beat out of his chest when Jinhwan appeared behind him, hand on his shoulder, looking gently up at him.

“Do you need help finding anything?”

Junhoe couldn’t find the words to speak, so he just shook his head once. He should’ve learned when he was little. Saying no won’t stop Jinhwan. He was still breathless when the boy took his hand and led him down the hallway towards his first class.

He invited Junhoe to sit at his table at lunch that day. He was more than a little nervous at the prospect of having to meet new people. Jinhwan obviously remembered, because he scooted his chair closer until their legs were touching and squeezed his hand under the table. Junhoe gripped it like it was his lifeline.

Jinhwan’s friends must have liked Junhoe, because he began to constantly invite him to go out with them. Junhoe agreed every time, not interested in his friends at all. He stayed glued to Jinhwan’s side wherever they went, sometimes eliciting a few joking comments Donghyuk and Chanwoo or puzzled looks from Bobby and Hanbin, though he noted they were much similar. Still, Jinhwan never pushed him away.  
  
*

Junhoe remembered the first time Jinhwan invited him to his house, alone, after a long while. He especially remembered the way Jinhwan leaned over in the middle of the movie they were watching and rested his head on Junhoe’s shoulder, talking in a shaky whisper he’d never heard before. He apologized for what had happened, the two years he let go between them, how it was an awful mistake. He told Junhoe he would never let something so stupid happen again. And when he asked if Junhoe would forgive him, the younger boy could only shake his head yes or risk the tears pooling in his eyes spilling over.

He blamed it on the movie. His heart wasn’t pounding because of the boy next to him. That was ridiculous.

But Jinhwan noticed everything. He pulled Junhoe into his side and ran his fingers through his hair to comfort him. He closed his eyes, wishing he could stay in this moment forever, just the two of them and no one else.

He should’ve known it never went the way he wanted it to.

The next year, Jinhwan turned eighteen. Junhoe knew the end was coming for whatever had happened between them. In just a few short months, Jinhwan would pack up and leave him once again. He tried to push that thought out of his head, ignoring the aching in his chest he felt every day. Maybe if he didn’t pay any attention to it, it wouldn’t happen.

He finally realized it really was happening when Jinhwan asked a pretty girl to prom. He forced a weak smile when he told him and choked down everything he wanted to say, even though he didn’t really know what it was, in favor of a _I’m so happy for you._ When the big night finally came, Junhoe curled up on his bed and tried to shut out the world despite Jinhwan’s request for him to be there when they took prom pictures. He heard his phone buzz multiple times, knowing it was Jinhwan. He ignored it.  
Twenty minutes later, he heard a knock on his door.

Junhoe willed himself to get up and answer it. There Jinhwan stood, fully dressed up in his suit with a red carnation pinned to his pocket, looking sharper than any model Junhoe had ever seen. He, on the other hand, attempted to rub away the red rimming his eyes, blonde hair sticking up in every direction, trying to make sense of what was in front of him.

Jinhwan didn’t wait to be invited in. He grabbed Junhoe immediately and walked them over to the couch in his living room, holding the younger boy tightly even when he tried to shake out of his embrace.

That’s when the tears came.

Jinhwan still didn’t move, even when Junhoe protested profusely through his sobs that he would ruin his suit, mess up his hair, that he shouldn’t have come. Jinhwan didn’t say a word, just let his friend cry into his shoulder until he could feel his body slowly stop shaking.

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

“You have to go—“

“You’re _crying._ I care about you more than some stupid prom.”

Junhoe’s heart swelled at that, even though he didn’t know why. He told himself it was because Jinhwan was his best friend. There was no reason deeper than that.

So he lied. Said he was overwhelmed with Jinhwan leaving and things changing. Jinhwan listened to every word. And when he was finally convinced, with much assurance from Junhoe, that he would be okay on his own, he hugged him one more time and left.

Junhoe glanced at the clock. 8:46. Jinhwan was 46 minutes late.

Before he went to sleep that night, he checked his phone to find a whole album of pictures from Jinhwan. Most of them were him with that girl. He couldn’t help but notice how awkward he looked in her arms, how his heart didn’t seem to be in it at all.

Part of him felt relieved, but he cast that thought out of his mind immediately. It was probably just his imagination. 

It would hurt less if he didn’t let himself believe such hopeful things.

 

They spent the whole summer before Jinhwan went away together. Junhoe went with him when he moved into his university. When it was time to go, Jinhwan clutched his hand with both of his own in the doorway and rattled out everything he wanted Junhoe to know before he left. How hard he needed to work this year, what teachers to avoid, what classes would help him the most, reminding him to always get enough sleep and do his homework. From anyone else, this would have been annoying. From Jinhwan, he found it incredibly endearing.

As he turned to say goodbye one last time, there Jinhwan was, wrapping him up in another tight hug.

He leaned in close to his ear. “One more thing before you go. You can call me any time, okay? Please.”

Junhoe didn’t even register his own answer, too focused on Jinhwan’s proximity and hot breath on his neck. “Okay,” be breathed out.

That year was pure hell for Junhoe. He always knew he relied on Jinhwan, _too_ much for it to be healthy, but the reality of it never set in until then. He barely talked to anyone, sat alone in class, had no one to go out with on the weekends. The only thing he looked forward too was his calls with Jinhwan.

The first time, it was Jinhwan who called him to make sure everything was okay. They talked until the early hours of the morning, both of them refusing to hang up on the other even though they had early classes the next day. Most times after that, Junhoe initiated the conversations. He needed to hear his sweet, familiar voice. It made everything a little more bearable.

When Jinhwan came home that summer, he broke the news to Junhoe that he’d broken up with his girlfriend. Said it just didn’t feel the way it used to. Junhoe immediately thought of the prom pictures and the awkward way he held her. Did it ever really feel that way?

He almost felt glad, but he suppressed those thoughts and let Jinhwan sulk on his shoulder for hours at a time. A sharp pang hit him in the chest every time he looked over. He really missed her. Of course he would, he loved her. So why did it feel like a weigh had been lifted off his shoulders now that she was gone?

Junhoe fondly looked over at Jinhwan’s slumped figure and reached over to brush his hair out of his eye with his thumb. He felt like fireworks were being lit up inside of him at the sight. It surged through his whole body, a euphoric, light feeling that was quickly replaced by guilt when he recognized what it was. What he’d been denying for so many years now.

That somewhere along the way, Jinhwan’s hugs and hand holding had come to mean more to him than a friend looking after a friend.

That he was in love with him.

*

His own senior prom came far too quickly. He had a pretty girlfriend to take, too, but every time he looked at her, he found himself wishing it was short black hair and a tiny, curveless body. He pretended to be excited when Jinhwan called the next day and started gushing about how much fun he hoped Junhoe had, and how he wished he could’ve been there with him.

God, Junhoe wished he’d been there with him too.

He ended things with the girl soon after. Junhoe realized, watching Jinhwan get off the train when he came home for break that summer, no one would ever make his heart swell the way he did. He’d been rejecting it for so long. He was done.

So when Jinhwan held his hand and told him about his new boyfriend, Hanbin, he knew he was screwed. 

Jinhwan’s had his twenty-second birthday party at Bobby’s house. Junhoe was still only nineteen, but he came at the request of all their friends. He tried to enjoy himself, even though he really wanted to be in his dorm, curled up and ignoring the world. He tried to push the feeling out of his head, but every time he looked over and saw Jinhwan on the couch, cocktail glass in his hand, nuzzled into Hanbin’s side, it only came back stronger. He felt the image burning into the back of his eyes. All the nights they spent together doing the same thing on _his_ couch flooded his mind.

Good thing there was another way to forget the world.

Junhoe tore away from his comfortable seat in the corner of the living room and headed toward the makeshift bar. He downed shot after shot, ignoring it when the back of his throat started to burn, when all the sounds of pounding music and the buzz of people talking started to melt together into white noise. He squeezed his eyes shut, only focusing on his queasy stomach and trying to keep its contents down.

He felt a slight touch on his shoulder, but in his current state, it could have been anything. A draft. His imagination, probably. It came again, a little harder. God, he felt sick, but he also wanted another shot. The lights bothered him. He just wanted to go home. Be alone until this wore off. His stomach turned. What was he thinking about again—?

“June.” The sweet voice cut through his dazed mind. He would recognize it anywhere.

Junhoe tried his best to turn around on his stool. He wasn’t sure if his body was swaying or not, but judging by the way Jinhwan’s arms shot out to steady him, it was.

“June.” His expression was soft. Caring. Everything Junhoe loved, found himself craving. “You’re not okay. Let’s go outside for a minute.”

He let himself be taken outside by the arm, finding a seat on a swinging bench on the porch. The cool night air did wonders for his body. Slowly, he felt himself coming back to his senses, just a little bit.

“Is everything alright?”

“Y-yeah,” he managed.

Jinhwan searched his eyes. Junhoe looked down, avoiding his tender gaze. It made his heart lurch, knowing he wasn’t the only one who he looked at like that.

“No, it’s not. You’re drinking yourself sick.”

He hated it. Hated the way Jinhwan could read him so easily, know what he was thinking at any point in time, and for what? They had spent so long together just to…not be together.

Junhoe released a tense breath he didn’t know he was holding, trying to pull himself together before answering. He wanted to scream it in Jinhwan’s face. _I love you._ Instead, he just shook his head. “I don’t know.”

Jinhwan knew him better than that, but he didn’t push. “Alright. Come on, you look like you’re going to throw up. Let’s get you some water.”

And there it was. Even on his birthday, when he should be letting loose, having fun, drowning himself in alcohol the way Junhoe had, it was always his first instinct to take care of the younger boy.

“Don’t you have to get back to your boyfriend?” The words came out more bitter than Junhoe had intended, even through the slight slur he knew was there. He couldn’t help it.

“Huh?” Jinhwan drew back, more surprised than offended. “No, Hanbin will be fine without me. Junhoe…is that what this is about?”

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. _Yes, dumbass._ “No. But you shouldn’t leave him there.”

Jinhwan eyed Junhoe warily, and Junhoe wondered if he could see right through him to all the things he wanted to say, to everything that had been weighing down his heart for years now without him even knowing. If he could, he didn’t say anything. 

Finally, he took his wrist and stood up. “He won’t mind. Let’s go.”

Minutes later, Junhoe found himself in a quiet bedroom, presumably Bobby’s, a glass of water in one hand and Jinhwan clasping the other. He took small sips to make it last, not wanting to resume the conversation with his friend. He was afraid he’d pour his heart out to the boy that didn’t seem to want it. 

“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”

God, he wanted to. He wanted to tell him everything, but he knew he couldn’t. Jinhwan was happy and Junhoe didn’t want to ruin his relationship by announcing his own unrequited love.

“I…I think I love someone.”

He didn’t know why he said it. It was the truth. He wanted Jinhwan’s advice so badly, wanted to hear him say comforting words, but he also didn’t want Jinhwan to believe the younger boy had his heart set on anyone else besides him. 

Jinhwan waited to see if he would continue, then nodded. “So why is that a bad thing?”

Junhoe swallowed. “They don’t love me back.”

Jinhwan gazed into Junhoe’s eyes fondly, and his breath caught in his throat when he saw the slight curve of a smile on the older boy’s lips, unable to do anything but look at him back. Jinhwan let a moment pass between them before softening his voice and asking, “Did you ever tell them?”

Junhoe could only manage one shake of his head, Jinhwan’s eyes still locked onto his.

He began to slowly, slowly run a reassuring hand up and down Junhoe’s arm, making his skin tingle in its trail. “Then you don’t know that.”

That’s when Junhoe decided that yes, Jinhwan could definitely see through him, and it made his heart pound in both anticipation and fear.

*

When Junhoe was twenty-one, Jinhwan called him and said he and Hanbin had broken up. Hanbin thought Jinhwan wasn’t fully committed, that there was someone else distracting him in their relationship. Junhoe felt guilty. Maybe it was all the time they spent together, maybe it was the way Jinhwan never hesitated to curl up next to him when he was feeling down, but he knew without a doubt in his mind he was the _someone_ Hanbin was referring to.

He let himself hope for a short time that something could finally happen. All that hope was crushed when they were laying on his couch that night, Jinhwan supposedly helping Junhoe study for his final exams before graduation, but the open book lay abandoned as they focused on the movie playing.

“I’m dating Bobby now.”

“What?” Junhoe choked out.

“I thought it would be good for me after…you know. It’s been really hard.”

Junhoe kept his eyes down, trying to keep his emotions off his face and out of his voice. It felt as if, once again, his chest had been crushed, the ache a physical pain.

“Why Bobby?” he said after a while, hoping he sounded neutral.

“He’s sweet and funny. He’s fun to date. I like spending time with him.”

Maybe they weren’t that serious. He inhaled a silent breath, forcing out the question he really wanted to know before his nerves stopped him.

“So is it just that? Or is it something about him?

Jinhwan frowned. “I…I don’t know. Bobby does mean something to me, you know—“

“No, not like that! I mean…I don’t know, is it as serious as it was with Hanbin?”

He opened his mouth then shut it, looking down. “No.”

Junhoe wanted to kiss all the hurt off his face, pull him into himself until he felt better, but he did none of that. Instead, he gently traced circles onto his wrist with his thumb, not daring to look up. “If you don’t love him, don’t be with him. It’ll end up the same way.”

Jinhwan bit the inside of his lip, but didn’t respond. Junhoe couldn’t miss the tears pooling in his eyes. 

He playfully elbowed his friend in the stomach, hoping to lighten the mood, but his voice was still quiet and serious. “Hey, you’ll find someone one day.” 

Jinhwan sniffled, taking a shaky breath. “I hope they’re just like you.” He closed his eyes and pressed his head to Junhoe’s chest. Junhoe instinctively wrapped his arms around his small body, pulling him closer. Something in him wanted to wrap Jinhwan up in a blanket, whisper soothing things into his ear until he fell asleep, make him feel safe and relaxed, even if just for a little while. Everything Jinhwan had done for him over the years. He settled for rubbing his lower back and hoping his presence was enough to comfort him.

 

Junhoe’s graduation party was a month later. It was crowded, noisy, and hot, but he didn’t care because Jinhwan had been by his side from the moment he showed up. They talked about everything, from the party to what he had planned for the future. It made his heart hurt, the idea of a future without Jinhwan. He fell silent after that and stared down at his hands, unsure of what to do.

Jinhwan swirled his cocktail glass, looking like he wanted to say something. Finally, after minutes of silence, he did. “I took your advice. I ended things with Bobby.”  
Junhoe slowly looked up at him, pulse racing. “You…did?”

“Yeah.” He paused, tapping one finger on his glass. “I don’t know how I feel about it. I keep thinking about…” He didn’t have to say it. _Hanbin._ “But you were right. The same thing will happen.” He sighed deeply, taking a sip. “So what about you?”

“Huh?”

“Last I heard, you were in love, right?” He winked. “You haven’t had a girlfriend since high school. Is this person still around?”

Junhoe felt his face heat up, trying to will away the obvious blush. It made it worse. “That was two years ago.”

Jinhwan laughed, a bright, happy sound. “I always listen to you, June, and I don’t forget what you say. So are they?”

He dared to glance up quickly into Jinhwan’s sparkling eyes and his heart swelled. At the nickname, at Jinhwan’s laugh he was so in love with, at the fact he clung to every word he ever told him. “Yeah. They are.”

Jinhwan laid one hand on his arm lightly. “Did you ever find out if they love you too?”

Junhoe’s breath caught in his throat. The older boy was watching him with an intensity too much to be causal. He wanted to say it so, so badly.

“I…I think…they might.”

“You think?” His lips curved into a small smile, his eyes fixed on the younger boy’s like the whole world was inside them. “June…you’re an amazing person. They’d be lucky to have you. Just ask them, I know they’ll say yes.”

Junhoe took a deep breath. Closed his eyes, tried to calm his rapidly beating heart, preparing himself to do possibly the stupidest and most daring, crazy, but worthwhile thing he’d ever done.

“…Do you love me?”

Jinhwan pressed his lips together to suppress his smile, but it wasn’t working. His eyes crinkled up into the little crescent moons Junhoe always found to be so adorable, and before he knew it, the boy in front of him was half-laughing, half-crying, pulling him into a tight hug.

“Yes.”

*

From that point on, Jinhwan started taking care of Junhoe even more, if that was possible. It reached a point where Junhoe would’ve complained his boyfriend was babying him if it weren’t for the smile that lit up his face every time he wrapped the other up in a blanket on a cold night or brought him his medicine and fussed over his temperature when he wasn’t feeling well.

Other times, it wasn’t so endearing.

“Junhoe! Where have you been? Oh my god, are you okay?”

Junhoe had just turned twenty-four and his boyfriend, twenty-seven, yet moments like this didn’t surprise him at all.

“I just went out to the store so you won’t have to later. I’m fine, why?”

Jinhwan fingered the sleeve of his thin t-shirt. “It’s freezing outside! You’re going to get a cold, put on a jacket when you leave the house!”

“I’m okay.” He delicately pulled his boyfriend’s smaller hands off his sleeves and held them firmly in his own. “You worry too much.”

“Fine, but when you get sick—“

“You can take care of me,” he whispered into Jinhwan’s ear. The other boy looked up, their faces only centimeters apart, breath mingling.

“Of course I will,” he mumbled before pressing a kiss to his lips.

No, he would always love it.

**Author's Note:**

> SO! i got frustrated with this and didn't fully finish editing lmao can u tell i hate pronouns and names and i hate trying to figure out how to avoid repeating them 3000 times per fic. please please please if you like my writing at all and honestly idk why you would at this point! i made another tumblr @rosegoldwritings if you have any fic requests!!! i have no ideas or inspiration lately and i don't know what to write. as always constructive criticism welcome but this whole thing is literally just an unedited mess so ,,, thanks everyone


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